


Love the Darkest Parts of You

by kitorion



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Blood and Injury, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, Love Confessions, M/M, Sad with a Happy Ending, When I say hurt/comfort i mean he's literally hurt and crying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 14:08:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29403159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitorion/pseuds/kitorion
Summary: “I thought- I don’t know… I knew it had been really bad and, when I stood up and I saw you lying there, I thought- I mean I don’t know what I thought. But I remember thinking, y’know, I have to tell him. But then Pomfrey came and I had to hide and I never got to and I didn’t know if I’d ever get to and-”After Remus is badly injured on a full moon, Sirius realises he needs to tell him how he truly feels.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 49





	Love the Darkest Parts of You

  
Remus was going to be sick. He ached and ached and his skin screamed as he came to. He didn’t even bother trying to open his eyes; the wooden floor on which he was curled up would only spin before him. It was hard and cold and uncaring.

He hadn’t felt this horrendous in ages. Maybe he would lie there, alone, forever. Or at least until his friends came down from upstairs and helped him up.

But no, they hadn’t all been there, he remembered now.

The moon had risen so early in the day that James and Peter were still serving the detention Flitwick had given them for jinxing the Eagle knocker on the Ravenclaw door to insult everyone instead of telling riddles. Every Ravenclaw student had been locked out of their common room until it was fixed. Remus almost laughed about it but his ribs hurt too much and he spluttered instead. Okay so maybe he wasn’t going to be sick but he was still in so much pain.

They had apparently tried to find McGonagall to reschedule it but she was nowhere to be found; Sirius had explained the whole thing when he arrived at the Shack. 

Oh god, Sirius. Where was Sirius? There were no other magical presences in the room, Remus could sense it already. His senses were so heightened after a full moon that he felt nauseous from just walking into the great hall for breakfast and he flinched every time someone brushed past him in the corridor.

Eyes still closed, he raised himself up from his fetal position, using every ounce of strength that hadn’t been drained from within him and winced as his bones and muscles howled in pain. A few shallow breaths were all he could manage. His trembling arms were barely able to support his weight as he placed his shaky hands on the cold, damp floor. Why was it wet? He finally blinked open his eyes. 

Red. 

_That better be your blood_ , was his first thought and suddenly his eyes were wide. He wanted to call out for Sirius but before he could, something inside of him shut down and he started sobbing. 

He knew that was a terrible thought. If it wasn’t his blood, he couldn’t bear thinking about who it belonged to. But then, if it was his, he thought as his shoulders heaved, why should he have to fucking hope to hurt himself instead?

Remus didn’t often feel sorry for himself, he never fought back against the pain; it only made it worse. Instead, he had learned to live with it. If he hadn’t, perhaps he’d never stop crying. 

But right then, in that moment, it was all too much and he let the tears roll down his cheeks. He realised, no matter the outcome, he’d still end up hurt. He'd always be the one left in pain; his entire life ahead of him and it was all going to be pain, he’d known that from a young age. and every year it just got fucking worse. Remus didn’t know why he did just pack it all in and- 

“Remus?” A shout from upstairs. “Remus!”

He almost collapsed with relief. Or tiredness. Or something that felt like grief. Sirius was okay, that was the most important thing. Maybe everything would be okay. 

Rapid thuds descended towards him and he hauled himself up from onto his bloody knees, his bones cracking as he straightened up his spine as much as possible. Sharp pains shot through his sides like bites but he lifted his head and his watery eyes met Sirius’. He was standing completely still at the bottom of the stairs and he was wearing an almost mournful expression. 

Then suddenly he was hurtling towards Remus, stopping before him and scooping up Remus’s damp, blood-smeared face into his gentle hands. It was still dark but his beautiful, grey eyes shone in the light that streamed through the gaps in the wooden walls.

“You did nothing wrong,” he said softly. 

And Remus fell forwards into his chest, engulfing Sirius’ waist in his heavy arms. 

“Nothing wrong,” Sirius repeated, twining his arms around Remus’ neck, holding his head against his chest. Remus sobbed into him.

Slowly, Sirius lowered himself, deflating both of their tired bodies until he too was kneeling and Remus could lay his weary, lolling head on his shoulder. 

“It’s... my... blood?” Remus rasped into Sirius’ jumper, each word punctuated by a rise and fall of his shoulders as he cried. 

Sirius took a deep breath, shutting his eyes as if it would block out the hurt, then replied sadly, “Yes. It’s your blood.”

Remus sobbed harder then, for Sirius was safe. But he wasn’t. 

“It’s... bad... isn’t... it?” His words were almost unintelligible. 

Remus felt the movement of Sirius’ head as he slowly nodded. “Yes... You- You’ve cut up all your chest- and your ribs are... I mean-“ 

He took a minute to compose himself before he even tried to reassure Remus. If he didn’t, they’d never get through it. It was never like this, never. Sirius didn’t want to think about how it had probably been like this every month before they were all able to transform. 

“But it’s okay.” He swallowed the lump in his throat. “You’re going to be okay- Pomfrey’ll be here soon and... breathe, Remus, breathe.”

Remus tried. And when he did, he found it was hard to take proper deep breaths, especially now he had turned into a sobbing mess. His ribs were so sore and he just felt… wrecked. How could he go on like this?

But Sirius was there, just sitting with him, encouraging him to breathe and stroking his hair until it appeared his soothing had worked; eventually, Remus stilled. He was so so exhausted. He didn’t know what the damage to his flesh- he didn’t want to look- was but he could feel it so deeply in his sides. 

“You’re going to be alright,” Sirius said quietly, still holding him tight. “But I have to go before Madame Pomfrey gets here, you understand?”

Remus used all his remaining energy and gave the tiniest nod, not prepared for Sirius to leave yet. But he knew he had to. 

“I’ll be in the infirmary when you wake up,” he said as he pulled away. Remus always slept for ages after a full. “I’ll fight her to let me in if I have to,” Sirius tried his best to laugh. Remus knew he was entirely serious. 

Remus felt the cold night air on his skin as Sirius and his nice warm jumper pulled away.  
  
He returned to his curled up position on the floor and screwed his eyes shut. Sirius lay the thin blanket from the corner over his entirely exposed body. The gashes from his hips to his chest were deep and thick with blood. Sirius wasn’t a nurse and he wouldn’t attempt to fix Remus for fear of making it worse. But if he could just-

The scratching noise of the bolt on the door made him snap his head around. Shit, he wasn’t under the cloak yet. He raced back upstairs as softly as he could. He heard the door swing open, footsteps and then muffled voices. 

“Remus, dear?” And then a pause as she noticed the two distinct smears of blood on his face. “Are you alright?”

“My blood,” he said quietly.

“Have you hurt yourself?” she asked quickly but calmly, already rummaging through her medical bag. 

“Bad,” was Remus’ only response as he pulled the blanket down as far as he could without completely uncovering himself. 

Sirius heard a gasp and tried not to think about what that might mean. He looked down at his clothes; Remus had got blood on his arms and his jumper and probably his face too. He pulled the cloak over his head, tried not to cry and got ready to follow Remus and the nurse out of the shack.

***

Remus blinked his eyes open. His throat was so sore and dry and he tried but he couldn’t move his head. Or, he discovered, his arms or his legs or any of his limbs.

He coughed pathetically and it sent shooting pains through his ribcage.

“Remus? You’re awake.” 

Sirius uncurled himself from where he was nestled in a green high-backed chair beside his bed. He sounded relieved and like he was trying to be enthusiastic but he looked exhausted too. He was wearing his pyjamas which Remus thought was adorable; stripy trousers and a t-shirt with the T-Rex logo on. He had a blanket thrown over his shoulders which Pomfrey had no doubt thrown at him when she saw he was cold.

Remus opened his mouth to speak but nothing but a barely audible crackle came out. 

“Here,” Sirius said and yawned as he reached over to the table next to the bed. Remus almost felt bad that he might’ve woken him up. He extended a hand with a cup in it. “Drink.”

Remus still couldn’t move his arms from under the duvet so he mouthed, ‘can’t move,’ and hoped Sirius understood what he was trying to say.

Sirius looked at him, puzzled for a moment, then his eyebrows shot up and he leaned forward in his chair, looking down at the cup like he was trying to telepathically communicate with it. 

“Um- Madame Pomfrey?” he called tiredly, still hunched over, staring at the cup, and waited until footsteps could be heard and then the sheet at the end of the bed was pulled back. 

“Oh Remus, you’re awake,” she smiled. “You didn’t wake him up did you? I’ll have your guts for garters if you did,” she glanced at Sirius who had offense in his droopy eyes. 

Remus smiled at the nurse, bearing his teeth and all, and shook his head as best he could which probably looked a bit more like a wiggle than he hoped. He was so happy everything was back to normal.

“Have you got any straws?” Sirius asked. “He can’t move. And he can’t speak. So we need- um- straws.”

“Of course I have,” she said with her eyebrows raised as she disappeared behind the curtain. A minute later she was back inside their enclosed space, brandishing a straw and saying, “do you know how many different ways there are to paralyse someone? It’s almost every week I have to take care of some poor lamb who got petrified.”

Sirius thought about the time Peter had practiced petrificus totalus on James and it had somehow gone wrong and left James paralysed in the infirmary all day.

Sirius held out the drink, now with a straw which Remus happily sucked on until he had practically emptied the cup and he felt his throat ease. He looked up at Madame Pomfrey and said, “Did he have to fight you for you to let him in?”

Sirius laughed. The nurse was used to the boys by now and smiled and shook her head.

“No, I let him in. Well, he let himself in and I didn’t say anything as usual- Can’t separate the two of you, can I?”

Remus smiled at Sirius who had pulled the blanket further around himself and had gone slightly red. 

“I’ll leave you two to rest in a minute but you must know, dear, that you gave me a nasty shock- it was a rough one wasn’t it?”

Remus nodded sadly. She was about to give him a fun little rundown of all his injuries like she did every time. He needed to know, obviously, but it always made him feel a bit pathetic and sad.

“Now, I’ve healed as much as I can and you’re all bandaged up- I think you had fallen asleep before I could even attend to your injuries, poor dear. You have a fractured rib and it’ll take a bit of time to feel normal again. You’ll have a new- and quite a big scar on your stomach. But, as usual, rest will be the best remedy for your aches and pains.” She smiled as if it wasn’t all that bad. Perhaps she viewed it that way- he was healing so he was alright- but Remus didn’t think he could deal with seeing a new scar on his body. “There’s a bit of pepper up in that drink so you should start to feel at least a bit better soon. And I always have another sleeping draught if you need it. Right, I’ll leave you two then.” 

And with a smile, she stepped out of the curtain and pulled it to.

“Did she give me a sleeping draught? What time is it?” Remus asked, finding he could finally move his head a little to the left. 

“Must’ve,” Sirius yawned again. He had dark circles under his eyes. “It’s- uh- almost midday,” he said, checking the clock on the table. 

“Have you been here? Sleeping? How’d you get out of class?”

Sirius cast a silencing charm and tucked his legs back under his body, almost folding himself in half. He could never sit normally in chairs. He couldn’t sit still either. 

“I had to go back to the dorms first- you got- um- blood on me. Had to wash it off.”

“Oh.” Remus’ face fell. “Did I get it on your clothes?”

“Yeah but it doesn’t matter- I threw it in the laundry- the house elves’ll wash it out.”

“So you came here? You should’ve just gone to bed- it was like four in the morning or something ridiculous.”

“As if the moon likes to pick conventional times to rise,” Sirius laughed quietly. “And you know I can’t… can’t sleep without you,” he finished quietly, poking at his pyjama clad calves with his wand.

Remus smiled at him. Since the Summer, Remus’ bed had become their shared bed. Sirius couldn’t sleep unless he was in the room with him anymore- it was a strangely charming sort of Pavolv’s dog situation. Remus laughed under his breath.

“I know,” he breathed, still chuckling. “It’s sweet.”

“Oh it is not sweet- it’s horrible- if you’re not there, I just lie awake until my body decides to shut down.”

“When am I not there though?”

Sirius thought about this, then scrunched up his face. “Don’t know. Can’t remember. Doesn’t matter anyway- ‘M too tired to think.”

He pulled the blanket around his shoulders and curled up further into himself.

“C’mere,” Remus said.

“What?” He raised his head sharply. 

“Get in bed with me.”

“It’s tiny. I’ll never fit in there with you.”

“Bigger than it looks- just like the dormitory beds,” Remus raised an eyebrow.

“What about if Pomfrey-”

  
“I don’t think she cares. If she let you in here in the middle of the night then she’s not gonna mind this.”

“But your ribs- she said-”

“Sirius, you’re shivering. Why’ve you got no socks on? Get in here. I’m fine.”

So Remus shuffled over, a little painfully but he bit back a wince in case Sirius got too concerned for his well being and Sirius climbed in to fill the small space next to him. To be fair, he really didn’t need much; he was smaller than Remus anyway and he always curled up as small as possible like a cat when he slept.

He didn’t touch Remus at first, scared to hurt him. But he knew Remus hated that.

“Are you positive you’re okay?”

“Yes. My cuts don’t hurt anymore and I’ve only got this small ache,” he said half honestly. His cuts and bruises were all practically healed. It was his ribs and his hip that were still really sore. But he was used to constant aching. It was practically nothing, he tried to convince himself. 

“Okay…” Sirius said but didn’t move.

“C’mere, Pads.”

“I am here!” he rolled his eyes and laughed. “How could I be any closer to you.”

Remus cocked an eyebrow and Sirius giggled. Oh god, he was so beautiful. Remus needed to tell him.

“You’re so beautiful.”

There was a swelling feeling inside Sirius’ chest and it seemed to finally pull him closer and he softly wrapped his arms around Remus’ waist, making sure he wasn’t pressing too hard. Then he felt another pull, this time physical, a hand on his back, and then he was kissing Remus. He melted into him as a hand came up to stroke his hair. God, he’d missed this. He’d spent every bleary waking moment of the last maybe eight hours wondering if Remus was okay and if he was ever going to be able to even touch his boyfriend again. And now he finally had his answer. 

“I- I need to tell you something,” he blurted out as he pulled back.

Remus furrowed his eyebrows but smiled. “Go on.”

“When we were in the Shack,” he started slowly, “I thought- I don’t know… I knew it had been really bad and, when I stood up and I saw you lying there, I thought- I mean I don’t know what I thought. But I remember thinking, y’know, I have to tell him. But then Pomfrey came and I had to hide and I never got to and I didn’t know if I’d ever get to and-”

“Hey hey,” Remus cut off his increasingly frantic babbling and Sirius took a deep breath. “What are you saying?”

Sirius locked his grey eyes with Remus’ and couldn’t hold back his smile. “I love you.”

Remus’ heart thumped in his tight chest. Sirius watched as his eyebrows raised and his face cracked into a smile. “I love you too,” he said and then breathed out a laugh at Sirius’ face of pure glee.

“It’s not funny! I love you,” he almost shouted.

  
“Well I love you too!” Remus fired back.

Sirius laughed at that which set Remus off once more. But before his ribs could start hurting again, Sirius cut him off with another kiss.

When he pulled back, Remus’ eyes looked sad. 

“Did you think you were going to lose me?”

“I just- You looked so… small. You were bleeding and- and-”

“I’ve been worse, believe me.”

“Don’t- I can hardly bear knowing you’re in pain.”

Remus saved him the knowledge that he was almost always in pain and let Sirius snuggle up to him. Pomfrey would probably force him to stay here for another night but at least he knew he wouldn’t be alone. 

“James and Pete said they’d come visit at lunch,” Sirius mumbled into the small space between them. 

“We best not fall asleep in case we don’t sleep tonight. I can never get comfortable here. It smells too clean and cold.”

Sirius couldn’t really smell anything so he said,

“I will actually fight her if she wants to keep you in here another night.”

“I believe you.”

Sirius smiled contentedly. “Love you. I’m never gonna get tired of saying that,” he murmured and his dark eyes fluttered shut.

“Hey, what happened to not going to sleep?”

“We can have one more hour before Prongs inevitably wakes us up with his Quidditch tales and his apologies,” Sirius laughed without opening his eyes. “It won’t kill us.”

“I suppose so.” He wound an arm gently around Sirius’ waist and listened as he hummed appreciatively. “Love you too.”


End file.
